Intimacy In Relationships

The Intimacy Factor of Marriage

By

Barbara Grant-Kelly

Licensed Professional Counselor,

Substance Abuse Counselor,

Wife and Mother

I have been working with this married couple for

a few years now. The wife she is a communicator and nurturer. The husband, critical thinker and fixer. And one of the common themes that continuously arises is how do they keep this thing called marriage going when it seems that what each person’s wants and needs, do not coincide with each other at all times. And over the years, they each have had to be reminded individually and collectively that they are “individuals”, who have several common grounds and each aspect of the person individually is continually growing. So they have to continuously explore one another to see where one another are headed. In essence, marriage takes work all the time because as the situation changes, we change. A nd as we accept change in the world around us, we have to accept there we will be change in the intimate worlds we make with each other. Clearly we are not the person we were at 18 years old, as we are today. And I dare to say as the children come, grow and and go, we will re-evaluate what it is that we want for ourselves. For a great deal of us, it’s how we see ourselves in connection with others.

I got to thinking about how this couple’s journey could help others, in anonymity of course, and decided to present this case study in the manner of a conversation. So let’s talk!

In this day and time, there are not a great deal of answers when it comes to keeping a marriage solid. I mean yes, there are the Dr. Phils and Oprahs of the world, but I mean real talk answers to those complicated questions like “Am I being silly about how I feel?”, “Do I expect too much?” or “Should I stay because of the children?” Some may say those are easy to answer questions, but I say not. Why not? Because real answers to these question require us to be totally, and without a shadow of a doubt, honest with ourselves. Being honest with oneself takes being courageous – that is finding the strength to do what is scary - enough to look yourself in the face and say the truth about who you are. That’s the beginning of the intimacy of marriage. When you read the title of this article, I bet you thought I was talking about sex. In due time my newfound friends, in due time.

Understand, before we can get to the intimate part of a marriage, we must get intimate with ourselves. Unfortunately, most of us did not know to do this, let alone know how, before we got married. The good news is it is never too late to get intimate with ourselves. The challenge is doing it, again, with no apologies. But please let’s be respectful. Respectful in a sense that we do not intentionally hurt those around us when we are working on ourselves. There are so many people around us that depend on our emotional, physical and psychological availability to them, that they may be threatened when you take the time for yourself. Just remember, change is hard for people. And their misunderstanding is only a product of the change. People are not going to be use to you not being there for them at a moment’s notice. Trust me, when we truly love others, we are will be fine and come to accept a little change. And time to yourself is the beginning of intimacy in your marriage.

Let’s begin by defining what it means to be intimate. By definition, it means to be in close acquaintance, association or familiar with something; to have that innermost knowledge about a subject matter; to have a personal and private connection with someone. There is a belief system out there; which I personally buy into; that we have to love ourselves before we can truly love anyone else. Well I also believe that to love yourself, you have to intimately know yourself. And to intimate know yourself, you got to spend some genuine and honest time with yourself. Now if you have never really tried this before, you have to be patient with yourself, because it can be hard work. And trust it takes TIME. So definitely be patient with yourself.

In my work with the couple in the beginning of this conversation, I have had to continuously ask each person individually, “Do you want to be in this relationship and why?” This is a question that needs to be asked continuously, because the answers can change over time as our wants and needs develop and change. Another way of looking at this would be to ask what are the reasons for staying in the relationship and the reasons why you would consider leaving; The Pros and The Cons. For this couple, the answer has continuously been yes. But the reasons, the reasons, my friends for each person have been quite different over the years.

For our communicator, nurture – the wife – her reasons have been because she has fun with her husband, they have the same interest, he is easy to get along with and he’s a great provider. When she was able to go deeper and be honest, her reasons were because it has been easier to stay with what she knows, than to get out there and deal with the unknown; and she questioned if her ideas about leaving were just being self absorbed.

For our thinker and fixer – the husband – his reasons were that he has always loved his wife before they were even a couple and he cannot imagine his life without her. On a deeper and more genuine level, he states that she has challenged him in ways he had never imagined prior to getting involved with her and he is not sure if he could find this in anyone else.

Marriage of convenience? Not sure, only these two people can make this determination. And if so, so be it! Just as long as each person is honest about the reasons and can negotiate the relationship.

My question to you is, are you in this place, like the couple with whom I have been working? Questioning to go or stay? If so, I challenge you to take some critical time and get intimate with yourself. Give yourself permission to do so, without apology. Ask yourself, “Do I really want to be in this relationship? What are my reasons for staying? What are the things that are occurring that cause me to believe I might want to leave this relationship? Are the things I want out of this relationship the same today as when I first came together with him/her? Is this relationship helping me to be all that I hope be? Do I help him/her be their best?” Any questions that come to mind that focuses on the self in your relationship will help you get to true intimacy with yourself.

Now wait! I want to make it clear that I am not advocating separation or divorce, as much as helping you to work towards a more genuine experience in your relationships with others, more specifically your mate. I want you to recognize that when we are honest and genuine with ourselves we can be more honest and genuine with others. I want you to recognize that if it is hard for you to do this in the beginning, why would it not be hard for others that we deal with as well. I want you to recognize that in getting intimate with yourself, you might find out what really matters.

Next time we talk, let’s discuss the reasons people stay or leave. In the meantime, if you have comments or questions, please leave them in the comment’s section below. Until next time, be blessed!